Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
