i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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