I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
