He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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