At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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