Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
