Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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