just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
