Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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