hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
