You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize