dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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