Soap is not a condiment
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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