I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
