I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
