well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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