Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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