1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
