You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
