Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
