So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Of course I have a pirate flag
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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