When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
