Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
