I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
