So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
