dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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