I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
