if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
