Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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