I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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