very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
