My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
