Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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