I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
