I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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