That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
