you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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