I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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