I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
