Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
