Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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