Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
