i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize