My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
