Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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