Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
