I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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