mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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