P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
