My first STD was from a foam party
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
