Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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