sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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