she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
jump out the window naked night went bad
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
