I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
40s are totally the cure
sex in a hospital.. check
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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