I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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