It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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