whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
