Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize