Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sext me about skeletons
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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