I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
