Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
