Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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