OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
