my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
This is the prime rib incident all over again
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
