"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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