so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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