I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You were trust falling into bushes
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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