She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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