That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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