just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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