Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
